Claire Dean
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- Coming of Age Ceremonies - For Mothers, Fathers, and Mentors
- My coming of age ceremonies grew out of a desire to give my children, and others, a deeper
awareness of the value of nature and the power within themselves. Afraid that my son's
greatest challenge would come in front of a video screen, and my daughter's in front of a
mirror, I set out to help them discover the well of strength, kindness, and confidence inside
themselves, and to honor the milestones they've already achieved in their young lives.
As parents, we want to give our sons and daughters the best of everything, yet often the
one thing we don't give them is the best of ourselves. We are guarded with our children,
afraid to expose our weaknesses and secrets. Yet it is exactly that kind of intimacy that
most children want. A coming of age ceremony is the chance to hand down our hard-earned
wisdom and to offer up our greatest fears. It is the opportunity to make our children
stronger and braver than we are--a true, defining moment in both our own lives and in
theirs. A coming of age ceremony is a life-changing experience for a child on the cusp of
adulthood, a chance to challenge and prove themselves, an acknowledgment that they have
grown and matured and are able to shoulder new responsibilities, while receiving a new
respect. A coming of age ceremony celebrates who a child was and the adult they hope to
be. It honors the many changes going on inside them, toasts their virtues and strengths,
and welcomes them into a family of sisters and brothers. It says to each of them:
“Welcome. This is your tribe, your place on this earth."
- Children, more than anyone else, understand the importance of milestones, of turning 10 or
13 or 16, of getting their periods, or their driver’s license, or their first kiss. They ache for
inclusion in an adult world, for the chance to do something important, even dangerous. They
hunger for what you know and what you can teach them. The ironic thing is that when you
celebrate your child’s journey to adulthood, you get to hold on to the child a little longer.
Coming of age ceremonies were once a staple of human life. At the age of 12 or 13, boys
faced a rite of passage, a test of endurance or strength to prove their manhood and allow
them entry into the fierce and powerful world of men. Girls, too, were taken into the circle of
women, often coinciding with the onset of menstruation. They might take a solitary journey
into the forest, and received practical wisdom and affection from the sisters, aunts, and
grandmothers in their lives.
In the modern world, we have gained many advantages, but lost some of these essential
rites of passage. Nevertheless, some remain. Bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, confirmations,
naming ceremonies, a father passing down a worn pocket knife to his son, an intimate talk
between mother and daughter, a night spent alone in the woods. A coming of age ceremony
can be carefully planned or spontaneous, a complex ritual lasting days or a simple afternoon
spent together in the park. All that matters is that you mark the turning points in your
child's life with love and respect, offer them the opportunity to shoulder new responsibilities,
then stand back and watch them blooom.
My coming of age ceremonies are simple affairs. When my daughter turned ten, I took her to
our own “Girlwood,” a little wooded area in the hills near our house, where we scattered
wildflower seeds, found “magic” wands of fallen twigs, and filled sachets with scents of the
forest. Then I read her a poem I’d written about her, and we talked of the changes to come.
When my son reached the same age, we took a strenuous hike to a rocky outcropping,
where I read him a poem I’d written about his strengths, and offered him a special crystal--
something that, as a rock collector, I knew he would treasure. The difficult hike through snow
and harsh winds made him feel older and stronger, as if he had accomplished something only
a young man, not a child, could do.
- The response I got to those small rituals was stunning. Instead of wariness and scorn, as I
had expected, mothers and fathers alike were hungry for details, starving for simple,
profound moments with their children. Obviously, I had to expand my little rituals. Including
my children’s friends and their parents took a little more planning, but I still kept to the idea
that simple is best. For instance, the year my daughter moved on to junior high, I planned a
weekend with three of her friends and their mothers at our cabin. The idea was simple: To
bring mothers and daughters together, to celebrate the girls’ strengths and achievements,
and to welcome them into the circle of women. During the weekend, the girls built a hut,
crossed a treacherous river, and created their own wonderland near a stream. At night, with
a full moon overhead, we sat around the campfire and exchanged wisdom and laughter and
even tears. Nothing fancy, nothing more than simple pleasures and the beauty of nature
around us, yet my daughter and her friends (and their mothers) still call this one of the most
intimate and magical weekends of their lives.
- Ideas for Coming of Age Ceremonies
1. Go to a quiet spot in the woods and have a nature ceremony. Sit near water, light incense
(always making sure you put it out before you leave), make “magic” wands out of downed
twigs and imbue them with the power of the elements by running them through water, fire,
earth, and air. Bring special fabric and fill it with pine boughs, petals, making a sachet in
remembrance of the special day. Ahead of time, write a poem or letter telling your child what
they’ve meant to you and how proud you are to watch them blossom into the unique young
adult that they are, and read it out loud.
2. Go camping somewhere isolated--not a big RV park but somewhere truly in the
wilderness. Challenge your child to hike, backpack, and prove themselves physically, then
show them how to build a campfire. Later, offer your wisdom, the troubles you went through
at their age and what you learned. Stay quiet and listen to what they have to say, simply and
honestly answering any questions they might have. As a rite of passage, have your son or
daughter pitch their own tent nearby, and sleep alone. A night “alone in the woods” is a test
of courage and strength, and in the morning celebrate their bravery. Find something--a rock
or stick--from your trip and bring it home as a reminder.
3. Gather together a group of mothers and daughters and sit around a table or campfire.
Get a long piece of twine and have each woman and girl braid it as she offers her own bit of
wisdom. When the braid is complete, tie it off, then have everyone stand outside the braid,
holding it in a circle. Acknowledging that you are all sisters now, lift the braid and step inside
the circle of women.
4. Find something that is of deep, personal meaning to you, maybe even something that was
handed down to you from your parents, and make a ceremony of handing this down to your
son or daughter. Show that you trust your son enough now to give him your own father’s
pocketknife, or give your daughter a necklace that your mother gave to you.
5. Trust your child enough to take on some new responsibility, whether it’s staying home
alone or building a fire in the fireplace or mowing the lawn. Take a moment to tell them what
it means to reach that milestone, and how your confidence in them has grown. Every
moment has ceremony and wonder in it. Don’t miss it!
